Don't be the Lane Kiffin

So...it's been a while. I think this is my first post in almost a month and I apologize for that. I have been really busy for the past couple of weeks...which is, of course, a complete and total lie. Saying that you've been "busy" is almost as big of a lie as saying "Oh, I didn't see your text." The only things I've done for school are study for a few tests and work on a few projects. But, other than that, the only "busy" things I've done in the past couple of weeks are look at LL Cool J's IMDb profile, learn the words to "Roar" by Katy Perry, and constantly check my fantasy football teams. The latter of which has taken up the majority of my time because anyone who plays fantasy football knows what time of year it is...playoffs.  

The end of the fantasy football regular season is near and I have been working tirelessly to try and get my teams to the playoffs. Yes, you read correctly, "teams." As in, I have more than one team. I am currently the General Manager (GM) and Coach of five different fantasy football franchises. Impressive, I know. Studies have shown that running just two fantasy football teams is equivalent to raising one child. So, you could say I am currently raising 2.5 children or, because of recent childhood obesity trends in the United States, 1 American child. But, that's not the point. The point is that fantasy football has created an amazing world for football fans. A world where fans can create their football "dream team" and compete against friends on a week by week basis. Sadly, however, this world has created monsters. Monsters that are unique and specific to the fantasy football world. We will call them "Fantasy Football Monsters." Throughout my fantasy football years, I have identified five such monsters. Five monsters that I am sure you have encountered or even became because of fantasy football. Here they are... 

1. The Benedict Arnold (AKA the "Trader") 

 

The Benedict Arnold, often referred to as the "trader," is the person in your fantasy football league who is always looking to make a trade. As soon as the draft is over, this person is already trying to trade away all of his players. Throughout the season, he will constantly send you trade requests and seldom will you ever receive a good one. By the end of the season, the Benedict's roster will be 100% different. 

2. The Kevin Garnett (AKA the "Trash Talker")

"My team is so good!" "I'm going to destroy you guys this year." "HAHAHAHA your team sucks!" These are common sayings from the Kevin Garnett of your fantasy league. This person will talk trash the entire year no matter how good or bad their team is. They are often the same person that thinks their team is going to win it all after the draft. You can find this person on the league message boards making jokes about your mother or something else unrelated to fantasy football. You absolutely do not want to lose to this person because you will NEVER hear the end of it.

3. The Adam Schefter (AKA the "Researcher")

The Adam Schefter is already preparing for next year's fantasy football season at the conclusion of week 17. This person is constantly reading fantasy football blogs, articles, and keeping up with the latest player news. The Adam Schefter is always looking for the next "breakout" player in the fantasy football world. This Adam Schefter also changes their lineup and picks up free agents on a weekly basis. Sadly, the Adam Schefter never wins the league championship simply because he cares way too much. 

4. The Dennis Quaid (AKA the "Rookie")

Fantasy season is quickly approaching and you still need one more team in your league. You scramble and ask everyone you know if they will join. Sadly, all of the usual prospects fail and you have to go to your last resort...the Dennis Quaid. The Dennis Quaid has never played fantasy football before and to make it worse, he doesn't even pay attention to the NFL. But, nonetheless, the Dennis Quaid joins your league. On draft day, the Dennis Quaid will draft only players he has heard of and his team is viewed by the other players as "terrible." The Dennis Quaid is always the underdog of the league and no one expects him to win. However, the Dennis Quaid ALWAYS wins the league championship. The other players attribute Dennis Quaid's championship victory to "luck," because we all know that fantasy football requires a lots and lots of skill. 

5. The Lane Kiffin (AKA the "Quitter")

The Lane Kiffin is by far the worst fantasy football monster there is. You let the Lane Kiffin join your league because you think he will be a committed player. You could never be more wrong. Once the Lane Kiffin's team is in last place four weeks into the season, he gives up. He no longer pays attention to his team and will never change his line up leaving in bye week or injured players. His team takes away from the competitive nature of the league and will always finish last place. Don't be the Lane Kiffin. EVERYONE hates the Lane Kiffin (especially if you are from Tennessee or Southern California). 

Anyone who has ever played fantasy football is guilty of being at least one of these monsters at some point. Even I am guilty of it. Anyways, I think fantasy football is awesome. It is crazy to see how many blogs, websites, and people there are dedicated solely to this game. There are even people they call "Fantasy Football Experts" or "Gurus" that get paid to give fantasy football advice and even appear on ESPN. Think of how ridiculous that is. My only hope is that fantasy football will still be popular when I have grandkids. Mainly so I can talk trash about their mother.