The Legend of Henry Ruff

A picture is worth a thousand words, a picture of a dictionary is worth way more than a thousand words, and an autographed picture of Emilio Estevez is worth about $60 (but only if you buy it now).

The point that I'm getting at is that a tweet is only worth 140 characters. Apparently those characters can tell a lot about your character. I recently read an article on mashable.com that said researchers from Cornell and Carnegie Mellon are developing an algorithm that will tell someone's life story based on their twitter interactions and tweets (http://mashable.com/2013/10/12/algorithm-twitter-life-story/). I was very intrigued by this until I began to think what my life story would be based on my twitter account. My life story would revolve around party pizzas, questionable songs on my Iphone, and terrible Helen Keller jokes. Yes, my life is awesome. Anyways, I questioned the reliability of this algorithm. Mainly because it is being developed by researchers from two of the worst schools in the United States. So, since I am a qualified research expert, I decided to conduct my own study without an algorithm. A study that would tell the life story of the man, the myth, the legend...Henry Ruff. 

I do not know Henry Ruff personally. In order to produce an accurate study, I had to pick someone I didn't know anything about. So, how did I stumble upon good ole Henry? I accessed a resource that I assume most celebrities use to name their babies...a random name generator. This picture shows my selection process... 

  

Henry Huff. What a magical name. I took this name to twitter and unfortunately, Henry "Huff" does not exist, but, Henry "Ruff" exists! Close enough for me. Now, it was time to begin my research. I was going to determine Henry's life story by looking at his twitter profile, twitpics, and individual tweets. Here are my findings. 

1. Twitter Profile 

There are a few things I can determine from Henry's twitter profile. 

• Henry is from Omaha, Nebraska, so he is most likely bored a lot. 
• Henry is dyslexic. He has his name listed as "Renry Huff" but his twitter handle is @Henry_Ruff...Hoor Penry.  
• Henry is the Confucius of his time. He says, "Money is in the heart, not the pocket" in his profile description. Such a deep saying, even though his background photo is the Louis Vuitton logo. 
• Henry really likes zippers. In his cover photo, his hoodie is all the way zipped up. He will never be caught with his fly open. 

Now that I had a general understanding of Henry, I moved on to the next component of my analysis. I looked at Henry's twitpics. 

Picture 1 AKA our first glimpse of the Legend himself.  

(Caption: Hc #2013)

•  I am going to assume "Hc" stands for homecoming, which means Henry is in High School. Henry is most likely a Freshman because he cared enough to get his date a corsage. What a sweetheart. 
• Henry is wearing a bowtie which can only mean on thing...his favorite food is bowtie pasta.
• Henry's favorite song is "Umbrella," by Rihanna. It is sunny outside, yet Henry is standing under an umbrella. You're not fooling anyone Henry. 

Picture 2 

(Caption: No filter. Gorgeous USA flag with stunning jet. #america)

• Henry is a true American hero. Only a true patriot would take a picture like this. George Washington would be proud. 
• Henry is an opportunist. He took the opportunity to capture a beautiful photo...even if that meant staring directly into the sun. 

So, I had looked at Henry's general profile and a few of his photos, but I could not yet determine his life story. The only way I could truly understand Henry was through a thorough analysis of his tweets. And that's exactly what I did.  

Tweet 1

• Based on this tweet, Henry's favorite TV show is "Jersey Shore" and his celebrity idol is Snooki.  

Tweet 2 

• Notice how Henry ends this tweet with three dots. Henry leaves you with suspense, which can only mean one thing. He is the Ryan Seacrest of his generation. Who is this "her" that he is referring too? Could it be Snooki? Could it be the girl in the previous photo? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? The world may never know. 

Tweet 3

• Henry has big city dreams of fame, but he is stuck in Nebraska. He wants to be famous...but how? 

Tweet 4

• Ahh...the mystery is solved. Henry wants to become Vine famous. There is no fame greater or more prestigious than Vine fame. YOU CAN DO IT HENRY.

With the final component of my analysis complete, it was time to put together Henry's life story. So, without further ado, I present to you the life story of the legend himself, Henry Ruff... 

       Henry Ruff was born in the mid 1990s in the crown jewel of the United States...Nebraska. There is no record of Henry's parents, so it is believed Henry raised himself in the cornfields of Nebraska. He spent his younger years living off of only corn, but quickly grew tired of it. He began to gather crops from surrounding farms and created bowtie pasta for the first time in 2004. It quickly became his favorite food. The next few years for Henry were his best. He ate bowtie pasta all the time, until 2012 when tragedy struck. There was an infestation that destroyed every single ingredient you needed to make bowtie pasta with. Henry was forced to move from his beloved farmlands and migrate to Omaha, where he currently resides today. Up to this point in his life, Henry had taught himself everything. However, teaching himself was a challenge, especially when it came to writing. Henry developed a mild form of dyslexia but was able to overcome it when he decided to go to high school in 2013. Omaha exposed many new things to Henry, most notably music and television. Henry was first exposed to music and TV when he stumbled inside a Circuit City (because I'm assuming those still exist in Omaha). The first TV he came across was on MTV. The song that played in between shows was "Umbrella" by Rihanna and it instantly became Henry's favorite song. He now stands under an umbrella any chance he gets and always makes that overused umbrella joke when it rains (if you don't know what joke that is, then you are probably the one that uses it). Lucky for Henry, the next show that came on MTV was "Jersey Shore." Henry was immediately intrigued by the show. He was fascinated by all the characters, especially Snooki. Never before had Henry seen someone so small and tan like Snooki. The "Jersey Shore" taught Henry a valuable lesson that day. He learned that you can become famous with zero talent and hard-work as long as you make a complete fool of yourself. Thus began Henry's dream of becoming "Vine Famous." Only time will tell if Henry will one day become Vine famous. All I know is, we are all pulling for you Henry. 

There you have it. The life story of Henry Ruff. But, as with any scholarly study, I needed to check the validity of my research. So, I had to tweet Mr. Ruff himself and ask how accurate I was. However, before you see my tweet, it is important that you see a tweet previously made by Henry...

Oh the irony. I wonder what Henry will think when one of these "weird accounts" wrote an entire blog post about him. Looks like I'm about to find out...

Stay tuned for my next blog post and I'll show you if Henry responded to me. Thanks for reading! 

ONLY READ THIS IF YOU ARE HENRY RUFF

Thanks Henry. 

Sincerely, 

Chandler Traub